Drink.
Um, you know, this would be a lot easier
if you each got your own lunch, but, you know...
We're training.
Time.
Half basket of fries, no spills... that's a record.
Oh, we are gonna crush it
at the fifth annual Serpico Olympics on Friday
and putting our names back on that belt where it belongs.
The Serpico what, now?
Oh, it's an annual competition of bar games.
Uh, Tedward and I against Tom and...
- Jake. - Yeah.
We've only lost once... last year.
The loser has to spend a night in jail.
It was our darkest hour.
That toilet's darkest hour.
Gary, you should totally come... I mean, or not.
- You know, whatever. - Aw, that's sweet.
You want me to come be your cheerleader.
- Whatever. I don't care. - Come on.
- You want it. Admit it. - Yeah, I want you to.
Gary.
Oh, y'all have, like, this little, like,
Justin-and-Selena thing going on.
- It's kind of cute. - Oh, look who it is.
It's Tom.
Hey. How's Jake?
- Jake is dead. - What?
He might as well be dead.
- He broke his arm, so... - Oh!
Yes, he cannot do the Olympics.
We just have to push, like, two weeks.
One week.
No, no, no. There's no pushing, Tom.
The games play on. You play through.
Remember last year, when Tedward was working with one eye?
One eye, and you made him play through.
Fine. I can do it. It's not gonna be a problem.
Oh, you're gonna go down, Tom.
There's no way you're gonna find another partner by...
Friday.
By end of day today, I will have a partner.
- E.O.D.? Okay. - Oh.
I just don't see what the big deal is.
- I mean, it's just bar games. - Whoa. Hey.
Hey, hey.
Is it a game when we play babysitter?
This is a competition, Gary, all right?
Painstakingly crafted
to take place in this bar every year.
Best of luck, Tom,
'cause you're gonna need it.
Ooh, how did I know?
I don't know. One mind?
Heh. Fry.
- Ow! Got my eye! - Oh.
Judge, you really have to stop just dumping all your mail
over here in this corner.
It's where I keep my winter mail.
Look at all these perfectly good bed, bath & beyond coupons
you just let expire.
I just like the catalogs.
See, maybe I do need Christmas pants.
Ooh, you are not going to like this... jury summons.
Ugh.
Eh.
What are...
Okay, you cannot do that.
- It's for tomorrow. - What?
Let me see that.
Oh, all right.
Well, no big deal.
What are you talk... no big deal?
What if you have to miss the Serpico Olympics?
Tedward, nobody's gonna put a judge on their jury, okay?
Ooh, ooh, look, look, it's dog steps for the bed.
Maybe I should get a dog.
Yeah.
Now that you know what to expect,
I hope that you will find jury service
to be a pleasant experience.
So I invite you to sit back, relax...
That's me up there.
I know, right?
I mean, I definitely had
a better hair situation in my life.
That chunky highlights was just...
Whenever I tried it...
My name is Judge Rebecca Wright...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Excuse me.
Number one, stop eating.
Number two, no cell phones. It's written everywhere.
By a jury of your peers...
Oh, yeah, I know.
This is my work husband.
I just got to take it. It's no big deal.
Uh, rules are rules.
They're meant to be obeyed,
not bent, not broken.
You may be a judge, but that doesn't make you better
than any of us, okay?
Take it easy, Senator, all right?
I think you're taking this all a little too seriously.
And please take this seriously.
Cell phone usage is strictly prohibited.
Oh!
Ho-ho!
You said it, not me.
That call can wait.
- Ha! - Okay.
Oh.
Is that your whole arm?
Well, I guess Tom hasn't found a decent partner yet.
Nope. Been testing people all day.
All right, this sucks.
I mean, Craigslist sucks.
Wait a minute.
- Gary. - What?
You're agile, low body fat, full set of teeth.
You want in?
Sorry. I don't believe in competition.
You see, studies have shown that it sabotages self-esteem
by turning recreational activities
into a battlefield.
That's why I play hacky sack. Everybody wins.
I'll do it.
Sorry, no.
I'm looking for a skilled gamesman.
What's wrong with you?
Well, you just hit a man in the back with a dart,
so that's great.
He was in the way.
Judith, that man is bleeding.
He'll live.
Welcome to the team.
We're gonna get that belt.
Get this show on the road.
I got places to be.
Think you're gonna waltz right out of here
'cause you're a judge?
Yes, I do.
This is my pal Annie's courtroom.
She's not gonna put me on her trial.
It's called conflict of interest, my friend.
We're supes tight.
All rise.
The Honorable Judge Marcus Pitt presiding.
- Please take your seats. - You're not Annie.
Not since my fifth grade play.
Uh, sir, I'm Judge Rebecca Wright.
And she'd like to get this show on the road, Your Honor.
She's got places to be.
Ignore him. Where's Annie?
This is her courtroom.
Judge Carter is on maternity leave.
- She was pregnant? - Huh.
Sounds like you guys were supes tight.
Sir, I'm a judge.
Clearly, it's a conflict of interest.
So, if you don't mind, I do have places to be.
- Thank you. Excuse me. - No, I don't mind...
As long as all of those places
are right back there in that chair.
- Wha... - Booyah.
- Hi, Tedward. - Hey, Judge.
I let myself in, but I got all of our training supplies...
Onion rings, olives, straws.
Oh. Apricot scrub?
Oh, yeah. That's for me.
Oh, you think God just does this all by himself?
Hey, hey, did you know that Annie Carter had a baby?
Yeah, we went halfsies on a breast pump.
You still owe me 80 bucks, by the way.
Hey, I got bad news, man.
I don't know if I'm gonna be able
- - to get out of this jury duty.
Listen, I'm just thinking,
just in case, that maybe we should have a backup
and that maybe it should be Gary.
Gary who?
Gary.
Come on, he's got great core strength.
The guy can hold a plank for 20 minutes.
And sometimes with one arm...
While the other arm is doing something else,
- if you get what I'm saying. - Please stop talking.
Look, another problem...
Gary doesn't believe in competition.
Which is why you have to teach him.
You have to Mr. Miyagi him.
- Mr. Miyagi. - From The Karate Kid.
I know the movie. I'm in America. I have eyes.
I'm still planning on getting dismissed, okay?
All right, I am gonna go to that courtroom tomorrow.
I'm gonna do everything every annoying juror's ever done to me
to get me to dismiss them... I'm gonna do to that judge.
I am gonna show him no mercy.
As part of the jury-selection process,
I'm going to describe the nature of the case
to make sure you can be impartial...
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I am super sick.
It's super contagious too.
They don't know what it is. They're terrified.
Truly, I'm sorry.
I don't know...
You know what it is? I'm hungry.
I got low blood sugar.
I got to have a snack, otherwise, I'd, like, faint.
I'd leave my body.
Anybody want some... some pickled eggs?
Huh? I mean, they are wonderful.
- Ooh. - I'll just pass these around.
Oh, I mean, if it's pickled, it's for me,
is what I always say.
I got to get these out of here.
It's like, ah.
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
It's good. Pass 'em along.
I also have some sardines.
I mean, it says that they're expired,
but I think that's a sell-by date.
Enough.
Say one more word, and I'll hold you in contempt.
I would like to thank most of you jurors
for your time and serious treatment of this matter.
And despite some of your obvious attempts to be dismissed,
the following jurors have been selected.
Number 4, 6, 23, 14, 8...
8! That's Chet. Yes.
7, 12, 21,
5, 1, 16, and...
19.
Fu... n.
Trials... trials are fun.
Hey, Judge. That is a hat.
- That's a big-ass hat, man. - It's new. What do you think?
I think I wish Judge Wright was here to see...
- I should send her a picture. - No, absolutely not.
I don't want her to miss this. This is good.
- No. No. - One...
I don't want you to take a picture.
Two, three.
That... you got...
I see you got, like, a little Tyra Banks thing here.
Look at you in this hat.
I'm gonna tag you. This is cute.
- Tedward. - Gary.
Oh.
- What... - Sorry.
Little tip... whenever you're giving a high five,
look at the elbow.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Try it. Ready? - Okay, yeah.
Oh, dude. Sorry.
This... this ain't good.
Did you say your elbow?
Dude, the worst-case scenario has become reality.
Did they cancel Pretty Little Liars?
- Because I cannot... - No.
I got picked for jury duty.
I mean, I'm still in good shape, though, you know?
I think I'm gonna get elected foreman,
and I'm just gonna hustle everyone to the right verdict.
Well, I started training Gary just in case.
How's he doing?
You know, let me ask you a question.
When you two are "planking"...
- Mm-hmm. - Do you ever high-five?
Sorry about that, guys.
Just had some work-related stuff, you know.
You probably know by now that I am a judge.
Anyway, listen, tomorrow I will be the jury foreman,
so I can quickly walk you
through all the legal mumbo jumbo.
Got it all figured out, do you, red?
Yeah, I do, actually.
We're gonna move things along pretty quickly,
because as I said before, I've got places to be.
- Okay? - No-Kay.
When you were out in that hallway
doing whatever it is you're doing,
these good people
elected me jury foreman.
You guys!
And we're gonna take this case seriously,
and justice will be served.
Booyah.
This feels good, I got to tell you.
Mm.
No, no. Not you.
Me.
- Hey, Tedward. - Hey.
How's it going today, Judge?
Oh, we all good for tomorrow night?
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Kind of hit a bump in the road, Tedward,
a bump in the road.
Hey, I heard you got jury duty.
I smell a forfeit in the works.
The only thing I smell is your Axe body spray.
Tom, seriously, one pump once a day.
That's it.
Even if you do make it back here, Rebecca,
you're not taking home the belt this year.
Check this.
Kaboom.
She's like a bar Olympics savant.
It is on.
It's so on, it's almost off.
You're missing half of your skirt.
Yeah, well, you missed 10 million years of evolution.
That's pretty funny,
but you're dressed like a hooker.
Those pants give you front butt.
Bobby, growing up, did you ever have any girlfriends?
What?
No.
I-I couldn't talk to girls.
I couldn't even look at them,
'cause I was a loser with a capital "L".
And has your life changed
since the night you hired a female friend?
Oh, totally.
I mean, I am... I am confident now.
And, uh...
I have a girlfriend.
Is it true that female friend
even came here today to support you?
Yep. Yeah, yeah.
That's her right over there.
How about that?
You guys have the same pimp or what?
God, I wish I could choke you.
Ooh. How much would that cost me?
Hey, Tedward.
- You dropped these, bud. - Oh, so I did.
Stop. Toss 'em to me.
Uh, okay.
Sorry.
You need to focus.
Whoa. Take it easy.
I can just hand them to you.
No, you cannot just hand them to me.
Gentle underhand lob...
Go.
Okay.
That's what I'm talking about, okay?
What are you talking about?
We're gonna be all right.
You know what I'm saying, Dr. Boyd?
All right, listen up.
I've tallied our initial vote.
Okay, just say it already so we can get out of here.
11 to convict,
1 to acquit.
11 to convict? Are you serious?
Serious as my mother's coke addiction.
- What? - Oh, yeah.
You don't know me.
- So you're obviously the holdout. - Yeah, because he's a kid.
He didn't hurt anyone, he didn't threaten anyone,
and he didn't legally violate anyone's rights.
Legally, he broke the law, period.
He's guilty. We vote again.
This time, I want you to write "guilty"
on this piece of paper
so we can head out of here, justice served.
You do want to get out of here, don't you?
Yes...
- Very badly. - Yeah.
Well, then, "Judge"...
You know what you got to do.
That's mine.
Still 11 to 1.
Yep.
And we're all staying here until each and every one of us
get this sexually repressed kid off.
I-I heard that.
It's not... that's... you know what I mean.
Are you serious?
Oh, I'm as serious as your mom's coke addiction.
What?
- Oh, my gosh. - Don't do...
Look, I don't know if I'm high-fiving myself
or slapping a toddler's ass.
- Hey, hey, hey... - No.
- No, no, no, no. - No.
Tell me that this pizza is so that we...
You and I... can carbo-load
before Serpico Olympics tonight.
We're still deliberating. I'm just on a break.
I'm so sorry. I'm not gonna make it, man.
You are not saying this to me right now.
Believe me, there's nothing I'd rather do
than play shuffleboard with urinal cakes, okay?
But I can't let this kid go to prison.
You're just gonna have to use Gary.
Tedward...
The lotus is ready.
That is not a Karate Kid reference.
Oh. Hey.
Go get that belt.
You are 134 seconds late,
and there's no food allowed in here.
Okay, there's a no-food rule
because they don't want people making a mess.
But if we clean up, no harm, no foul.
Everybody gets fed.
And I don't see what the problem is.
The problem is, there are rules.
Well, sometimes rules can be broken
if nobody gets hurt, hmm?
Hmm?
Looks like some people are interpreting the rules
like I do, Chet.
Oh, no, there he is.
Hello, Tedward.
No Rebecca, I see.
- I guess that means you forfeit. - Yeah!
- Nope, new partner... Gary. - What?
Rebecca's shirt... wear it with pride.
Oh, no, no, no. Sorry.
I-I told you, I'm not into competition.
Okay, come on, Dr. Kumbaya, grow a pair, all right?
Rebecca wants you to fill in. Do it for her.
He doesn't want to do it, Teddy.
Yeah, dude, I don't want to do it.
Gary can't win that belt for Rebecca.
She's right. I can't.
He can't even win her heart.
- Wait. What'd you say? - You heard me.
You ain't never gonna lock that down, son,
'cause you're a bitch.
You just called down the thunder.
Now I'm coming, and hell is coming with me.
Hell is coming with me!
Boom! That's all I needed.
Got me a new partner. Hello.
Yeah!
Let's do this! Come on.
Oh! Hey, Gary.
Hey, man, look, you might want to bring your "A" game,
'cause you don't want to go to oz dressed like Dorothy.
You know what I'm saying?
All right, let the fifth annual
Serpico Olympics begin!
- Hey, oh! - Whoo-hoo!
Well, it's getting worse.
Five to convict, six to acquit,
and one question mark.
What can I say? I'm still feeling confused.
Okay, this is ridiculous. That's our third vote.
- Listen up. - No, no. No. No.
Remember, no one talks without the spirit stick.
Give me the spirit stick.
Okay, listen, you really want to send a kid to jail
for losing his virginity?
Look, look. Look at this guy.
He still has pimples.
He's just a kid.
Remember when you were his age and you thought everybody else
in the world was having sex besides you, right?
And that was before the Internet.
And now you can get porn in five keystrokes.
- I can do it in three. - Seriously?
Anyway, listen, as a judge...
We get it. You're a judge.
I have to follow the letter of the law.
But we need to follow the spirit of the law.
Bobby just needed some self-confidence.
You want to send him to jail for that?
Really?
I call for another vote.
You're not the foreman. You can't do that.
Okay, well, here's the thing, Chet...
I just did, okay?
Go!
Shot!
Hey. That's well bourbon.
All right, round one goes to the red team.
- Whoo! - Empty. That's it. We did it.
- We got a winner... blue team! - Yeah.
11 to acquit, 1 to convict.
Looks like we're stuck.
Okay, Chet, what's the holdup?
He broke the law, Judge.
Our society is built on laws.
If we start ignoring them,
the entire fabric of the system breaks down.
Okay, you've never broken the law?
No, not even a fix-it ticket.
Huh. Really?
'Cause that trash can you just missed?
That's littering... $1,000 fine minimum.
That pen cap you've been chewing on
these last several hours... destruction of state property.
That carries a three-month jail term.
Oh, and your mom's coke problem? Did you turn her in?
'Cause if not, you're complicit in felony narcotics possession.
That's a biggie.
All right, just hold it right there.
My mother is a saint.
She was going through a hard time.
She should have never married Nacho!
Look, according to you, you broke the law.
You're guilty, period.
According to me, you're a bit of a tool,
but you're not a criminal, Chet.
All right, hooker skirt, you win.
Yeah!
- Eh. - No, no.
No, no. This one's for you.
- Chet. - Oh.
Nobody does that.
Chet does.
Okay, okay, okay.
Red team has won high five to infinity, coaster boaster,
and ice fiasco.
Blue team has won onion ring antlers,
napkin fold-off, and bathroom.
We are tied three to three.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't just end in a tie,
or else this is meaningless, right?
Nope. Tiebreaker.
Yes. Yes.
And we shall call it "kick the lime around."
Love it.
Both teams will kick the lime
back and forth until someone drops.
- Love it. - Look, Gary, man...
I am no good with these feet I got, okay?
- Hey! - Oh. Rebecca!
- Gary. - Rebecca.
Time-out. Time-out.
All right, that is their third and final time-out.
- - Okay, okay, what's going on?
- What's happening? - We're in a kiki tiebreaker.
We have to kick a lime back and forth.
You know feet are not my thing, Judge.
Oh, man, your feet are your Achilles' heel.
Tedward, this is just like hacky sack, okay?
Watch and learn.
The student has become the master.
You've got this, man. Tap the sack.
- Tap the sack. - Okay, wait, wait.
You might want to think about a different way of saying that.
- Yeah, that's not... - "Tapping the sack"...
Okay, okay, wait. Go get this, huh?
- Yeah! - Whoo!
Chicka-chicka-boom-boom!
- Let's get that belt! - Whoo!
Let's do this!
- Focus. - Just focus.
And go.
Whoo!
Red team wins!
victor and champion!
Give me the belt! Give me the belt!
Oh, this is the best day of my life!
Oh, sorry.
Ah, Gary! Come on, man!
What's happening?
Oh, attention?
Okay, okay. You guys are awesome.
Can't believe we have to spend all night in jail.
Wait a minute.
It's the losers who gets to do that?
Really? You've just got here.
- Synced and corrected by VirusKiller - - www.addic7ed.com -